Thursday, July 7, 2016



I can't eat avocado. It is one thing to go a whole lifetime without tasting them but for it to be taken away from you at the age of 26 is just unfair. That and bananas. But banana toast isn't as Instagrammable as avocado toast and I always pick savory over sweet.  Shane was the person to introduce me to avocado toast.  It was so simple and so good. When you work retail, those early morning shifts really cut into sit down breakfast time. Avocado toast really got me though my mornings in Portland. My favorite combination was sourdough toast, pepper, smashed avocado, salt and pepper.  In that order.  There is something about cracked pepper on sourdough.  It was fast, easy and portable.  I could eat it in the car or save it and eat it in the back office.

Then something happened.  First the bananas.  My stomach would cramp every time I ate one.  I felt sick and nauseous. It felt like I couldn't breath at times and I break out in cold sweats.  So I stopped eating bananas.  Then soon after the same started happening with avocados.  It is the worst. Then the Instagram Avocado Toast Explosion of 2014 happened. Now, it's everywhere and not only in toast. Smoothies, salads and even salad dressings.  It sucks being that person asking if there is (insert food allergy/dietary restriction here). 

"You know bananas is what makes the smoothies a smoothie."

I could go on but this isn't meant to be a rant, it was meant to be an homage to one of the foods I miss.  Since I can't eat the real thing, I can make something similar.  So introducing the Avoca-Don't Toast. 
 Remember when there was a full on Internet outrage against peas in the guacamole New York Times post, you know Peagate?  Well, I like to think of myself as the Lorax, I speak for the peas. Fun fact: I used to HATE peas.  But this in no way replaces avocado.  It has to the look and feel of everything I am missing out on.

Avoca-Don't Toast
Serving: probably 4 toasts
  • In a pot of 2 cups of water add some salt, crushed red pepper, a small clove of garlic. Bring to a boil. 
  • Add 1 cup cooked frozen peas. Cook for no more than 7 minutes. 
  • Drain, reserving some pea water in a cup. 
  • Toast bread of choice.  
  •  Mash or with a hand blender blend up everything that was in the pot.  I added a queef of lemon juice and a queef of salt and pepper for luck.  I like to leave a few chunks of peas but it should be mashed enough that it can spread. Use some of the pea water to get them to that spreadable consistency if it is too dry.
  • Spread butter on toast.
  • Spread pea mash on toast.
  • Make it look like it belongs on Instagram. 
Things you can put on top on pea mash: fried egg, arugula, pickled red onion, chives, tomato, ham, cheese, potato, kimchee...ANYTHING!  

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